Awakening: Learning to Believe
Written by: Michelle Belanger
When I was in second grade, we were flying kites in the schoolyard, and I was disappointed because my kite would not fly very high. I was a very competitive child, and so I naturally decided to call a wind to make it fly higher than everyone else's. I closed my eyes and sort of reached up into the wind to pull a stronger gust my way, and I started chanting quietly to myself to help focus:
Thunder, lightning, wind and rain,
Blow the clouds in, storm again!
Thunder, lightning, wind and hail,
Lightning flash and thunder wail!
It is a chant I use to this day whenever I do storm magick.
Now, no one had taught me anything about magick at that point in my life, and I know I hadn't learned the chant from anyone - it just sort of came to me. The really funny thing about this is that not only did it work to call a really strong wind, but one of the teachers on recess duty apparently noticed me chanting and yelled at me to cut it out - as if she knew that I was calling the wind. I was so embarrassed for getting caught doing something I obviously shouldn't have been, that I didn't do anything like that for quite some time.
After that, there were a lot of little incidents that hinted there was something a little strange about me: lights going on and off, other electrical devices like TVs and radios not working right around me, circuits and things blowing out. I didn't start connecting all this to me until fourth or fifth grade, and then I started studying what I could find on psychic phenomenon at the time.
At that point I knew I could do things, but I still didn't understand how anything worked or what it meant. And of course, I wavered back and forth, because anytime I'd talk about the things I could do, people got really weird about it and were either scared of me afterward or told me I was crazy.
Swimming in Denial
It was hard at first to accept that it was me doing these things. It was even harder to accept that it wasn't just accidental, but that I could learn to do these things consciously. I was a pretty rational / scientific-minded kid growing up, so of course I fought to fit everything into a paradigm that agreed with what I was being taught about what was possible and impossible.
Coincidence was my favorite excuse, or that it was somehow all psycho-somatic Sometimes this would be my mantra when something strange was going on that I really wanted to stop, but couldn't control any other way. “It's all psycho-somatic, it's all psycho-somatic” I'd say over and over again, until the unwanted phenomenon would just go away.
Gifts from Heaven or Hell
Sometimes other kids and adults would connect these strange happenings with me, and their responses would vary, as did my responses to their responses. Some folks at my church, for example, seemed to think I was some kind of little angel come down with great gifts from God. The way they went on about what I could do just plain scared me, because it seemed like a terrible responsibility to be walking around with miraculous gifts. Heck, I'd gone to Sunday school - I knew what they'd done to that Jesus guy, and I didn't want anything like that happening to me!
Then there were the folks who would be afraid of me, or decide it had something to do with Satan. They made me feel scared as well, or ashamed of what I could do. Their responses also made me want to be pretty secretive about things, so I talked less and less and usually tried to pretend I had nothing to do with anything weird if things happened around me.
If someone confronted me about these “coincidences” I usually claimed innocence, saying I had no idea what they were talking about. Although, to be honest, there were times when, being a kid, I got really pissed off at someone and tried to make things happen to them. It usually scared the hell out of me when something finally did, and if I was pretty sure I'd done it, I'd feel guilty for a while. I usually escaped the guilt with the same excuse I used for so many years: it was just a coincidence, so what was I worried about anyway?
The Balance of Belief
There is no single, specific incident that finally tipped the balance of belief for me. Rather, it was a whole lot of little things that piled up till I couldn't ignore them anymore. I could have explained one or two away, but five, ten, or fifteen weird things all happening at about the same time with no good explanation just couldn't be coincidence any more.
And I've seen this in others again and again - the really big, reality-popping incidents don't do it for them. Those they can somehow turn a blind eye to, or maybe trick themselves into forgetting about. But the day-to-day incidents, the endless string of little intuitions and “coincidences” and “luck” are what finally prove it to people. Eventually, all those little incidents build up into a huge pile of crushing proof:
Reality is not always what it seems,
And we can alter it through Will and through dreams.